The Story of T. M.

Staying sober for twelve years has not been easy for me. Life today seems harder than it did back when I was drinking. Before I came into the fellowship of AA, whenever something bothered me I would drink. For the past twelve years I have had to deal with life on its' own terms, which meant that I had to grow. I had to grow in areas that were new to me. I had to accept the fact that as painful as change is, it was more painful to remain where I was, even though it was familiar.

My drinking took me to places that normally I would not have gone if it had not been for the alcohol. You see alcohol gave me the courage to do a lot of things and then not recall them (blackout) or pretend not to remember things that I was ashamed of the next day. Alcohol became my best friend. Mr. Seagram 7 and Mr. Miller Lite would eventually be placed above my family.

When I first came into to the AA fellowship it was a new experience and life seemed to get better after a few months of going to meetings. I was becoming part of a group and was given responsibilities that made me feel needed and wanted. I followed the guidelines of the program to the letter and was really doing quite well. About two years into the program I lost my job of fourteen years and I became very bitter. I thought that the fellowship taught or preached that if go back and clean house things would get better. Well I had done just that, so how was losing my job getting better? When I lost my job the first thing I did was to cuss God out for allowing this to happen to me at a time when I was trying to get my life together. I then started to blame the fellowship for not living up to its' end of the bargain.

But somewhere in the corner of my mind I recalled hearing that "life" might not get better but "I" would get better at handling life's situations. I realized that if I could not handle these situations then I had people in the fellowship who would help me out. Once I came to understand this, I was able to apologize to God and accept my situation. I did not get laid off because I did something wrong or because I was a bad person. I was laid off because the place were I worked was down sizing. I was beginning to see God's mighty hand at work in my life.

Using the rooms to express what and how I was feeling I was able to receive guidance and follow directions. In working the program my life was beginning to return to normal. Through the support I received in the rooms and from the people who cared for me, I was able to see my way through the anger and bitterness. I remained unemployed for a year before being told of a position at Friends Connection.

When I landed the job at Friends it was like an answer to a prayer. This job gave me the opportunity to work directly with people and help them. The job not only allowed me the ability to educate the participants of the program to a variety of activities in the community but it educated me as well. This job required me to be committed to helping participants develop recovery and social supports in the community where they lived. I was now the one who helped to motivate people to take responsibility for their recovery and their leisure time.

To be able to see the fruits of my labor and commitment to others is rewarding. Through this job I have met some interesting people and have heard how their mental illness has hindered them from being as productive as they would like to be. I have seen first hand how mental illness can rob one of their self-worth. Some of the individuals with whom I worked seemed to loose a part of themselves each time they went into the hospital. All of this was devastating for me. I was not ready for the emotions I felt when someone I worked with struggled so hard to keep things together and had to be hospitalized. Through this job I have learned compassion and understanding.

This job not only taught me to be more understanding of others, but it also has shown me how to be more understanding of my own life. I would have never identified myself as having a mental illness if not for the lessons I learned here at the Friends Connection. The stigma of mental illness was too great of a burden for me to bare. I was scared by the images of mental illness on TV or in the movies. Surely that could not be me. Like many people, I believed those portrayals to be true. I quickly learned that those images are not true and that people with mental illness are not monsters and murderers.

Though I have never been hospitalized, I can remember being teased about turning out like an uncle of mine who struggled with paranoid schizophrenia. I fought so hard not to be like him. It seemed to me that the world would accept me more readily if I had something other then a mental illness. Certainly being an alcoholic was one up on being mentally ill. Who would have known that I would turn out somewhat like my uncle?

I believe that my depression has always been with me since early childhood and that it was brought to light as a result of my alcoholism. Dealing with my depression is not easy when it stops me from enjoying life. I have learned a lot about myself and I can now identify oncoming bouts. Some of the signals for me are isolation, excessive spending, sleeping to much or not sleeping at all, racing thoughts, the feeling of hopelessness, low self-esteem, feelings of inadequacy, and the most important one for me - suicidal thoughts.

Over the years my doctor has prescribed such medications as Prozac, Zoloft, Paxil and Wellbutrin. All at various dosages and all having different side effects. Some of the side effects were hallucinations, physically feeling as though my brain was missing or skipping an electrical beat. I can recall feeling and hearing the electrical shocks in my head when I did not take one of the above medications as prescribed. Another one caused sexual side effects, which made me feel less than normal. I have also experienced a flat affect while take medication - the feeling of just being there in time and space without any emotions at all. I am still trying to work with my doctor to find a medication that works well for me. It is important for me to be able to talk honestly to my doctor about how the medication makes me feel and all the different side effects.

As a result of working with the Friends Connection and the Mental Health Association, I have experienced many new things, met some amazing people, and have heard their stories. I am amazed at how many people have the courage to fight for the right to just be and to be treated fairly and respectfully in the world. As a result of working with many different people I have come to accept my mental illness and take responsibility for dealing with it as productively as I can. Living as a recovering alcoholic who suffers with the mental illness of depression I can relate to feelings of apathy and no motivation within. But thanks to my job and the people with whom I work I have the courage to live my life to the fullest every day.